Love is a Verb

I’ve been reading a book called “The Seven Habits of Higly Effective People” by Steven R. Covey and it’s a coincidence that I’ve crossed over this example he mentioned in the book just around the Valentine Day.

In this chapter of book, describing the first habit – “Be Proactive“, it’s said that a person, who’s proactive will take a stimulus of a situation, and he’ll choose a response based on the principles that lies deep within the core of every human like: integrity, honesty, human dignity, service, quality, excellence among other things. As for the reactive people, he’ll take a stimulus and respond based on: the choices that he made, instinct, and most importantly by not taking the responsibility of a situation that has happened.

Let’s look at some reactive language and proactive language to understand better.

“There’s nothing I can do.” vs. “Let’s look at our alternatives”

“That’s just the way I am.” vs. “I can choose a different approach”

“He makes me so mad.” vs. “I control my own feeling.”

“They won’t allow that” vs. “I can creat an effective presentation.”

“I have to do that” vs. “I will choose an appropriate response.”

“I can’t do this” vs. “I choose not to do this.”

“I must do this” vs. “I prefer to do this.”

“If only…” vs. “I will”

Here’s an excerpt of the example about love in that chapter that should make some contribution to everyone who’s not enjoying a Valentine in his/her relationship as much as it should be enjoyed.

At one seminar where I was speaking on the concept of proactivity, a man came up and said, “Stephan, I like what you’re saying. But every situation is so different. Look at my marriage. I’m really worried. My wife and I just don’t have the same feelings for each other we used to have. I guess I just don’t love her anymore and she doesn’t love me. What can I do?”

“The feeling isn’t there anymore?”, I asked.

“That’s right,”, he reaffirmed, “And we have three children we’re really concerned about. What do you suggest?”

“Love her,” I replied.

“I told you, the feeling isn’t there anymore.”

“Love her”

“You don’t understand. The feeling of love just isn’t there”

“Then love her. If the feeling isn’t there, that’s a good reason to love her.”

“But how do you love when you don’t love?”

“My friend, love is a verb. Love- the feeling – is a fruit of love, the verb. So love here. Serve her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?”

In the great literature of all progressive societies, love is a verb. Reactive people make it a feeling. They’re driven by feeling. Hollywood has generally scripted us to believe that we are not responsible, that we are a product of our feelings. But the Hollywood script does not describe the reality. If our feelings control over actions, it is because we have abdicated our responsibilities and empowered them to do so.

Proactive people make love a verb. Love is something you do: the sacrifices you make, the give of self, like a mother bringing a newborn into the world. If you want to study love, study those who sacrifices for others, even for people who offend or do not love in return. If you are a parent, look at the love you have for the children you sacrificed for. Love is a value that is actualized through loving actions. Proactive people subordinate feelings to values. Love, the feeling, can be recaptured.